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Showing posts with label My Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Writing. Show all posts

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Silver Linings

I don't talk about what ails me very much on Beyond My Writing Space. This is usually a migraine free zone. But today I thought I'd let you in to my little world.

In Feb 2010 I woke up with a migraine and its never really gone away. It just depends on how effective the ever increasing number of medications I take are at controlling the symptoms to whether I can live my life today or not. Lately,  the meds have stopped working and I am back to living with symptoms varying from washed out and fuzzy to full blown unable to get out of bed and I always have at least one of the various auras, the current favourite is reduced sensation on the right side, but the light and sound sensitivity are making regular appearances also.  Its very rare I have a day of no symptoms at all.

Meh... as frustrating as this is I still consider myself rather lucky that it's nothing more serious than migraine. (Although migraine is more than "just a headache" and should be taken seriously,   I've had enough tests to rule out any thing more serious or life threatening and this is why I consider myself fortunate to suffer from migraine.)

So, originally I thought the sleeplessness was as a result of Topirimate. I suffered from permanent alertness, which although quite rare was a side effect. But it seems I can spend just as many nights wide awake even though I haven't taken Topirimate for over 4 months.

The great thing about permanent alertness is I can write. I can spend this super peaceful time (when the entire seems to be world quiet) just lost in my character's world with very little distraction.  Its fabulous! In the past month I've had to take two weeks unpaid sick leave from work due to the debilitating symptoms. But I've also finished Behind Closed Doors, written the first draft of Maybe Tomorrow and I have the first 12k words of Valentina Secrets Book 3 Whispers Behind the Curtain.

So I thought I share my silver little lining with you.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Evolution

I love the evolution of a story. 

Sometimes, for me,  it begins with a voice.Others, its just a spark on an idea. As I listen, and invest my time into the idea, it grows. It becomes a world with places, people, and events. It develops a past, a present and a future. Its inhabitants get families,  friends,  jobs. They have regrets and flaws and hopes and dreams just like anyone else. It becomes their story and they tell it. I just listen and write it all down.

I recently began Maybe Tomorrow.  This story began with Darcy. It began with a what if? It began with butterflies  and fairy cakes.  It began with Darcy being celebrated for her achievements in the field.  It began with Darcy running into the man she left to chase butterflies. It began with a kiss on a rooftop and a strike of lightning. Awww swoon. It began with Darcy discovering she was sick and she was going to die.
But it was Keon's voice that was stronger.Keon who told me when and how they met. How she captivated him and threw him of his destined path. How they loved and lost. And it was Keon who told me their story. He broke my heart and made me cry. For he's never stopped loving Darcy and now fate brought her back into his life, death is ripping her away. And he told me he was her doctor he was the one to break the news. So this story became Keon's and Keon's alone.

You know it's funny, the evolution of a story.  Because Darcy isnt happy with the way Keon is telling their story. Hates the way she is being presented. So now I hear Darcy. There are things she wants to do and things she needs to say. So maybe it's not just Keon's story after all?
Like I said, I love the evolution of a story. I love the way the characters take this spark of an idea, bring it to life, and make it their own. I love not quite knowing if the path I'm on is the one I'll stay on right to the very end.

My entire story has changed since the first time I met Darcy and Keon. It's still very much two broken hearts fighting to forgive, fighting for closure, fighting to overcome the inevitable need for acceptance. But what is their fate?

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

I've Pictured Your Death a Thousand Times

I was going to post this a couple of weeks ago ... this character has a firm grip on my heart and isn't letting go!  He's the male lead from a single title which has been floating around in my mind but not going anywhere and then suddenly he was there! I ended up writing a very interesting and intimate scene that I was going to share it with you until my internet crash. And then when I woke up the following morning, he was there again and he was saying "I've pictured your death a thousand times".

I simply had to share what followed. Then my internet crashed. I guess you weren't meant to see inside Maybe Tomorrow at that time. But then I planned the entire novel and Keon and his entire family have me very much enthralled. He knows he's next on the list when Behind Closed Doors goes back to my very lovely editor.

 Maybe Tomorrow

Does a heart ever really heal from its first break?

On an unusually hot night in late September ER Doctor Keon McGowan is called away from a family gathering to a hospital emergency. Amongst his patients that night is a blast from his past he’d rather forget. He’ll certainly never forgive butterfly hunter Darcia Vilmere for the circumstances that left him a single father while she chased butterflies through the Amazon Rainforest.
Coming face to face with the woman who broke his heart after all this time leaves Keon exposed to the realization he never fully healed from it. But any chance of finding closure is ripped away when Darcy’s grave prognosis forces Keon to play by the rules. Their conversations are privileged. And then Darcy chooses to die amongst her beloved butterflies. Will Keon let her go one last time? Or will he fight for the tomorrow they may not have?

Maybe Tomorrow is an emotional journey of love caught between fate and destiny.

If you were on Facebook yesterday you'll have seen some of this already. I shared some of this chapter in my brief update. But I wanted to share some more with you. Here's some of what I've been working on while the migraine was being a nuisance and frying my brain.

Unedited excerpt



"I've pictured your death a thousand times." Keon confessed.
His whisper carried across the warm night air. He knew she'd heard him. Her response shivered across her broken expression before taking an age to die inside her dampened eyes
He didn't regret it. But Darcy still didn't take her attention from the city streets below. Keon hated seeing her like this. The Darcy he knew, the one he’d tried to pretend had never existed for the last ten years, was vibrant and full of the same elegant spirit as the creatures she sort. Her enthusiasm for the very thing that broke them apart could transform a conference room full of boring academics into rowdy students. Eccentric her peers called her. Infuriating, more like. It was impossible to pretend Darcy didn't exist.
But the woman sat before him, she wasn't the same woman who traipsed across Africa and Malaysia and wherever else she'd been in search of adventure. This woman, she hadn't stopped hugging her knees in the twenty minutes he’d stood trying to convince her all was not lost. Not even to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
"You know" Keon stepped closer "you'd trip over one of your own moth traps, fall down a big hole and disappear into oblivion. Or you’d overreach with your blasted butterfly net and go over a jagged cliff edge. Or maybe you'd wander into a cave of hibernating bears or have something big and heavy fall out of the sky like a... like a..."
Words failed him and Keon felt as lost on this roof top as she was. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Life wasn't supposed to hand him everything he'd every wanted on a silver platter including his desire to see Darcy on her knees and practically at his feet all on the same day. And he certainly wasn't supposed to still care what happened to her. Thank God she wasn't listening to him. 
Those dampened cocoa eyes turned towards him for the first time since he'd disturbed her and the small lift at the corner of her lips hit him like a punch in his gut. "Like an anvil?" She suggested and then a quite chuckle bubbled in her throat. "You still watching kids' cartoons Keon?"
"Yeah" He scoffed at the remark. It was nothing to be ashamed of. "Perks of being a parent." He shrugged ignoring the way her eyes widened at that revealing bit of news. So she didn't know her parents had brought Lily to him after Darcy disappeared ten years ago? That explained why she'd never been in touch after she went back into the field leaving nothing more than signed adoption papers on her hospital bed five days after giving birth but it didn't explain why she didn't didn't tell him about their little girl in the first place.
Even the chilling memories from the past couldn't douse the warmth he felt towards her right now. Sure, his hatred for her and what she'd done to him and Lily ran deep but... a long slow and painful death? He didn't want this for Darcy. Maybe it was the shock of diagnosing her illness was why he wished so much that he was wrong.
"A thousand times huh?" She whispered.
"Give or take" Keon shrugged "another thousand." She smiled and he lowered himself to sit on the wall beside her. "It had to be something funny and ironic because..." He closed his eyes and let go of the sigh he didn't realise he'd been holding on to for ten whole years. "Well, you left me." He said turning to look at her, really look at the woman she'd become over the years they'd been apart. "You left me to chase those damn butterflies around the Amazon Rainforest." He paused for a moment and then added "Maybe one day, you'll tell me why."



Well, what do you think?

Erin

Posts You May Have Missed

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Excerpt from Life's A Ball?

I'm in the middle of exam period and a busy little bee. But I didn't want to leave you neglected for too long. So here's something from Life's A Ball?

I'm not quite finished contemplating Elle and Adam's fate at the moment, as you know, the course of true love never runs smoothly or as planned. But here we have Elle in a dilemma and her unwanted Knight in Shining Armor coming to her rescue.



Life's a Ball - Chapter 10 



Elle fled from the bedroom. She ran as far away from Adam Lacey as possible, down the stairs, through the living room and into the kitchen, as fast as she could.
“I’m delusional” Elle muttered as she began pacing around the small kitchen. “I do not like him.” I do not find this man attractive. Elle internally scolded, as she hissed at herself the sound of her voice give away her exact location. It wouldn't take him long to find her if he didn’t know where she was. But these were precious extra seconds she needed to talk sense into herself. Adam Lacey was not attractive!
Well actually... something spoke up from her subconscious. A wicked little devil of desire forcing her to acknowledge that Adam was good looking and it was Elle who hadn’t been paying attention to how desirable her boss really was until two nights ago.
And you’re not going to either! A new and more sensible voice instructed her. Elle liked this angel of rationale. The angel was strong willed and she would overpower the devil of desire. They were never going to find out if that kiss meant more than getting caught up in the moment because he was never going to kiss her again. She wouldn’t let him. Just like she was never going to acknowledge this new found fondness of Adam. It was never going to develop beyond this moment. So she needed to curtail this crazy delusion that Bridgewater's biggest male floozy might be ‘the one’ immediately. She was not, and would never be, one of his many interchangeable girlfriends. She was his Executive of Corporate Law. She kept his arm of the firm running smoothly and she had no interested in him otherwise. He was her boss. The line was drawn there.

Elle reached for the kettle. A relaxing hot chocolate was out of the question. She needed caffeine. She needed a good strong cup of coffee to cure her of her sleep deprived hallucinations. And if coffee didn’t make all of her problems go away, then Elle knew exactly what would. That conversation she’d been avoiding for almost two days.
“Are you alright?”
NO! Elle spun around at the sound of his voice. Adam hovered in the doorway to the dining room, his eyebrows dipped in the center as he watched her. Elle's hand trembled as she turned away from him immediately and put the kettle under the cold running water.
“Yes” Elle almost groaned at the sound of her voice. It was feeble squeak. She wasn’t going to fool anyone with that charade let alone the man she'd worked with closely for ten years. “I’m fine" Better. But under this intimate scrutiny Elle knew she lacked the confidence her voice had gained. "coffee?”
“Here” Adam stepped towards her. “Let me do that”
“Don’t!” Elle flinched at the anticipated bodily contact. Her hands jerking upwards. Cold water fell from above them, taking her breath away as it drenched Elle down one side, as a short deep cry bounced off the walls in the kitchen. It echoed around them and the only movement in the room was the blink of Elle's eyes. 
Could this day get any worse?
Elle swallowed against her dry throat. Pushed against the rush of heat in her cheeks as she turned to face Adam. How on earth did – Oh God!
Elle's eyes travelled the entire length of his body and back up as her jaw hung loose. Water droplets hung from his wet hair. His chest stretched against the soaked sweater as he glared at her.  His hand ran over his wet face, cleared away the excess water and wiped it on his wet jeans.   He dripped from head to toe.
“Oh god” The kettle slipped from her hand, clattered into the sink as her fingers clasped her lips “I’m so sorry”. Elle gasped from underneath them. She needed to leave the kitchen. She needed a few minutes on her own just to sort out the craziness in her mind. “I’ll get you a towel” Elle stepped to pass Adam and towards the door.
He stepped in her path. A wet hand wrapped around Elle’s upper arm. Her focus zoomed in on his hands as Adam stopped her from passing him. His grip firm enough to warn her she wasn’t going anywhere. "You have-"
Her gaze jumped up at playful warning in his voice. It matched what glimmered in his eyes. It was... it was... well, it was pure mischief. Elle attempted to back away.
"Until I've -" The wickedness in his mind touched his lips as refused to let her go. Coercing her to his will and against the stainless sink. "Refilled this kettle." He grinned as the tap began to run behind her. "To explain what the hell is wrong with you."
"You wouldn't" Elle challenged. But he would. She could see it in his eyes. That determined purpose to extract everything he needed using whatever method he saw fit. She squirmed beneath his hand. This she could not tell him.
His brow arched. "You're running out of time Princess."
"Don't call me that" 
"So you can hear me then?"
Barely.
The sound of the slow running water tortured her senses. Her heart beat at a mile a minute. How did she tell him that in those moments her entire life had changed? When he'd been under the spell cast by her godchildren he was the most perfect man in the world and she wanted something she'd promised herself she'd never do again and she wanted it with him. Her boss. She'd been there before, with her boss, and it was the reason she never wanted  to play happy families again. Ever!
The water stopped.
Elle's breathing grew shallow. Honestly, what was she suppose to say? Lie! That little voice of wisdom called from inside. She had lots of excuses lined up at the moment. She didn't have to say anything at all. Tell him it was an accident!
"Fine" Adam chuckled as he raised his arm above her head. "I'll have my revenge."
Elle drew in a deep stubborn breath through her nose and tensed every muscle in her body, clenched her fists, squeezed her eyes shut and waited. The seconds hung like a lifetime. He was torturing her. He was dragging it out for the longest possible time but she wouldn't cave. Would. Not. Tell. Him. 
A single ice cold droplet trickled down behind the collar of Elle's hooded sweatshirt. Shivered all the way down her spine. "You kissed me." She gasped through the tremor.
"I knew it!" The kettle slammed against the counter top forcing Elle's eyes to burst open at the fierceness of Adam's reaction. "I knew that's what was wrong with you!" He hissed as he spun to face her. "Do you realize how many times you've pretended you're not pissed at me in the last ten years?"
"I'm not angry at you Adam." Elle admitted.
"Yes you are. You've been nothing but a bitch all day."
"I'm not." This was not the can of worms Elle wanted to open on six hours sleep in the last two days but he'd never believe her. "I'm freaked out by it."
It wasn’t possible for Adam to look anymore stunned than he already was. But as the unexpected words tumbled from her lips he stumbled backwards against the kitchen counter. "What?"
Elle surveyed the water damage to its full extent ignoring the jolt of pleasure that surged through her system at the mere sight of him. She was going to have to open that can of worms after all. If for no other reason that to get her head into gear.
"You've stopped being Adam. Self centered, egotistical, pain in my ass, Adam. And I can't get my head around why?" Elle began as she paced the small square kitchen. "Did you change or did I? Because if you'd have pulled that crap on me three days ago, you'd be joining the unemployment line right now and you know it."
Adam gasped at the her blunt statement as she looked at him.
"Why would you do something so foolish? And in front of all those people whose first reaction will be to tell girlfriend. And why won't you let me be pissed at you? I have a right to be. You coerced me to that ball. Do you think I'd have gone if I didn't think for one second she'd be heartbroken you took another woman the same day you broke up. I don't count! At least I didn't think I did."
Elle smacked her hand against her head. Stupid. Stupid. Now, how would it look? It was Elle's fault Lanie dumped his ass and went to New York in the first place. She was running her mouth off because he'd pissed her off again. she didn't know Lanie was in the room and heard the whole thing. What were the chances of Lanie taking him back after she heard of this?
"You seduced me Adam! And now you won't leave me alone, but as much as I'm telling you to go I don't want you to because my best friend has disappeared and for the first time in ten years you're actually being useful. Why?"
"I don't believe I've never seen it before." Elle frowned "You're a control freak."
"Yes." Very much so. Elle was in control of everything, every second or every day and she didn't like it when things didn't go according to plan. So she'd make it my business to know everything and could change anything and any point. It was what made her good at what she did. "Because you're the good time boss that everybody loves and I keep control of the reins because by god no one wants the feel the wrath of Richards. But I haven't been able to control anything in two days and that's why I'm freaking out."
“Ok” His lips formed a thin line as he nodded. He turned to look at her for a moment. “I get it”
“No! You don’t get it.” She hadn’t meant to screech but she had no control over her reactions. “You can’t possibly understand I was too preoccupied with trying to explain these" Elle dragged an A4 envelope from her bag beside him "to my reporter best friend to notice that something was wrong with Meg."
Meg's dealing with a lot right now and if she wanted to tell you how she was feeling, she’d have called for a chat. But she didn’t. She probably needs some space. Meg left her kids with you because she knows they’re safe, just relax and go with it.”
“Go with it! Are you out of your mind?!” Adam backed a few steps away from her “I don’t just go with anything.”
"Alright" Adam held his hand up in mock surrender "You're close to going nuclear so just... hear me out on this." He stepped forward and soothed her arms. "You've always gone along with me before. So I'm asking you trust me this time. Stop trying to fight the cosmos because, Elle, that's a battle you're not going to win."
A guilty gasp hit the back of Elle’s throat and her eyes fell to the floor. He’d done everything for her, he brought lunch, and he had taken Danni to her training session and brought her home. He’d taken care of the girls while she showered. He’d been there for her all day and all she’d done was tell him she didn’t need his help, to go away and leave her alone, she’d talk with him on Monday. And when that didn’t work she’d snapped and bitched or ignored he was even there. He was a visitor in her home and she had been the most inhospitable host.
“I'm sorry” Elle let a deflated sigh escape her lips, let her head rest against his damp shoulder. “I’ve been a nothing but a bitch to you all day.”
"Its nice to know you're actually human." Adam chuckled "Losing tempers with clients, making out with the boss at parties, having an evil twin lurking under the surfacing. You know, I was starting to get an inferiority complex basking in all of your perfection.”
Elle lifted her head with a mock glare "Ooh look there's that evil twin again." He grinned stepping back. His eyes homed in on the envelope before he leaned against the work surface. “I do get it Elle. You’re out of your comfort zone.” His arm stretched effortless towards the envelope. Had he lost interest in the conversation? “But you refuse to let anyone else worry about Meg and you’re scared of whatever is in here...” His nonchalance stuck like a ball of aniseed in the back of her throat, and tasted just as bitter as Adam peeled open the envelope and peered inside “Oh shit.” Adam’s gaze snapped up to met Elle’s "how did you get a copy of these?" Before she had time to answer he added “They weren’t supposed to exist after my meeting with Bill, I watched him delete these files. For his daughter's sake. He doesn't want Mel to see this.”
“Bill’s editor in chief of a newspaper Adam. His instinct will always be to double check the facts.”
“God damn it. I'll never understand this friendship you have with Alexis Monticelli. She does nothing but mess with your head." Adam began thumbing the photographs “Can't you just see this for what it was?”
Elle lifted a questioning eyebrow at him. "And what was it exactly?"
 “A very enjoyable night between two friends."
Elle snickered and pinned him with an amused glare. "That's all there is to it?"
His eyes drifted to the picture in his hands. A smile curved at his lips. "Alright yes! It was a damn fine kiss." He grinned "But it wasn't one sided you know, you kissed me right back.”
"I…” Her eyes fluttered a few stunned blinks. "What?”
Adam turned the page, showing her the picture in his hand with pride. “That kiss…” Every ounce of her strength kept Elle’s eyes focused on the freeze frame of a moment that would be permanently etched into her memory. A perfect moment, when the world made sense, she felt safe and she relinquished control to him and look where that had got her. “...is the kind of perfection even you can’t fake.”
“Oh good God, No!” her high pitched shriek tumbled into a forced cackle “Don’t. Be. Ridiculous.” His chin lifted with intrigue, his right brow questioning her denial. Elle swallowed against the awkward realization he was enjoying watching her squirm. She folded her arms defensively against her chest and declared “I'm not attracted to you Adam.”
“You’re lying.”
He was unbelievable! Elle gasped with horror. “It is actually possible for a woman to be single and straight and not to find you attractive” Adam shook his head, “Then believe me when I say I must be the only woman alive who still wouldn't  go to bed with you even if you were the last man on this planet.”
Adam cocked his head back and laughed. "You so would."
“Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” Elle cried “This isn’t my life anymore. It can’t be. I’ve stepped into an alternative reality, I’m sure of it” she turned away from Adam, holding her forehead with her hand “I don’t wear prissy dresses and go to glamorous parties because I don’t like the people there. My best friends don’t dump their kids on me and disappear without a trace. And men do not randomly pull me into their arms and kiss me when I’m not expecting it. The whole world has gone completely—”
His hand captured her wrist, tumbling Elle into his arms. His other hand was already grazing passed her cheek and slipping to the back of her neck as he pulled her towards him. Elle shrieked. “What are you—” His mouth sliced acrossed her protest, silenced her immediately to the shock and wonder of the intense contact from his lips.
The fight that had been so powerfully cursing through her insides was simply gone, replaced by a familiarity that Elle wanted to feel uneasy with but couldn't. Kissing Adam shouldn’t be familiar. It had only ever happened once before and yet it felt like his lips had been made to mold against hers.
The fierceness of his kiss began to melt away, his thumb caressing the rapid pulse in her wrist before he let it go. The tentative warm hand grazed over her waist. It melted her resistance like butter. So maybe she did like kissing Adam?
As quickly as it began it was over. Adam lifted his head away from hers with a determined purpose in his expression. He let her go. He stepped back and leaned against the counter. The only thing giving away that anything had happened was the intensity in his eyes.
“Now that was randomly pulling you into my arms and kissing you when you least expect it.” Oh god! She physically couldn’t form words. Instead, she forced her head to bob in silent agreement. “The other night you were already there and you’d have been disappointed if I hadn’t kissed you because in that moment Elle, you wanted it as much as I did. So please don't blame me for that one.”
Her stomach jumped. Her pulse skipped and her breath caught all in at the same time and she was struck by the sudden need to feel his lips against hers once more. Elle broke eye contact, turning her face away from his. “You have to stop doing that Adam. You know the rules.”
“I can’t promise you that.” Her mouth gaped open as he stepped forwards. “I thought I knew you. But I only see the real you when you’ve completely rendered control…” His gentle hand tucked a stray curl behind her ear. “...to me.”
“Who will keep control, if I don't?” Elle hesitated stepping away from him.
“And for a moment there you had me thinking there’s nothing more effective than a mind-blowing-lose-yourself-in-the-moment-and-forget-everything-else kind of kiss.”
“You think you're that good?”
“Don’t you?”
Hell yes! But she wasn't telling him that. The man had an ego the size of mars as it was.

There was something about kissing Adam that had the ability to make her think of nothing else. Elle shook her head looking for an excuse to turn away from him that would also allow her to focus her mind on something other than the wobbly feeling of her insides. The kettle was still on the counter. She painted on a smile, happy to put some distance between them. “No.”
Still, it wasn’t enough space. She felt his warmth behind her even before he whispered into her ear. “Then I must have been doing it wrong.”
His voice stole her ability to breathe as it caressed her skin, lifted the hairs on her arms. Her lips parted. She couldn't do this. She didn't want to this. It was complete and utter madness to do this. Elle glanced at his reflection in the window.  “How about I make that coffee?” 
Adam's arm wrapped around her waist, pulled her into him as he inhaled deeply. A protest formed on her lips as she dropped the kettle. He spun her to face him. And she saw it. Heard it in his voice. "This is crazy."
"Yes"
His hesitation scream at her, called to her common sense. This was a very bad idea. If anyone every found out about this their careers would be history. Her career, built on sheer determination but had fueled the water cooler gossip of who she'd slept with to get there for so long, would be history. And yet everything was getting smaller, closing in on her, becoming insignificant until she was caught between the solid granite counter and the hard place.
Oh. My. God.
Something enchanting shimmering in his eyes. It sent an eager shiver through Elle's spine and the butterflies took flight in her stomach. 
"Elle..." Adam whispered, his had tightened around her waist pulled her closer still. "I need to you say something..." His breath shuddered from his throat as he brushed her fringe from her eyes, tilted her face slightly as he began to lower his head.
Paralyzed by the anticipation Elle could only watch and wait for him to make his move. "Please Elle..." His breath fanned across her cheeks, his nose grazed across hers. His lips enticed her into the briefest of dances before he whispered. "You must stop me."
She could only manage on word. "Why?"
"Why indeed." He whispered meeting her waiting lips.




Erin

Posts You May Have Missed 

Meet Elle and Adam

Life's A Ball? - The Valentine's Ball 
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The Legal Bit

All characters have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation to anyone baring the same name. They are not inspired by an individual known or unknown by the author and all incidents are pure invention.

The articles, excerpts, and other written work published under the pseudonym Erin Cawood are copyright protected by the author. Guest articles are published by arrangement and also copyright protected by the guest author.

Images of Erin Cawood are provided by Paul Miguel Photography.


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